29.11.25
when i am in the cold
biting my hand to stop the waterfall of thoughts
trying to feel tangible
i think about you (your flurry of love & joy & passion & fanned out hands across my back)
and i miss you so deeply, an ache
and i long for the day when you will slot a finger into me and it will not hurt
i am tired, tired of hurting
i imagine my period blood on your hands
i want to associate blood with good things, with you
i don't want papercuts to remind me of razors & isolation & men on crosses anymore
i want pain to be good pain, the kind when you bite my neck, my shoulders, my thighs
i am tired, tired of trying to find benefits to misery
and i dream of the day you can fit a whole fist in me
i dream of the good kind of blood on your hands
31.10.25
i do not want to live right now
i have struggled with living all my life
i have prayed down on my knees i have crawled through the holy soil of my bedroom carpet and begged for the touch of death
yet all my life i have been horribly, desperately alive though i have not always felt like it and some days i still dont
the living have not seen what ive seen, it is hard to bear pain that is not doubled
i have stared directly into the eye of god and i did not like what i saw: a great mass of pupil, good and evil. Nature. it is not how they told me. i did not like what i saw
all things proceed from Nature, all live and die as the great hand ordains, but your little hand must pick apart and pick and choose and cherry pick Nature
and death and life are picked and placed by a hand, big or small
and you and i have the power to choose between living or dying
or in between (as i often am)
i have picked living, been picking living but i think i am dying, ordained by Nature
i fear Nature
i fear the things that are out of my hands, my little hands
12.09.25
grabbing at tiny strands of understanding
trying and trying to make sense of this brain ive got
trying to understand that happiness is the tide
it comes in and then recedes and there is nothing to be done
and i am trying to learn to breathe with that tide and when it comes in i do not cling and i do not blink and i do not wonder whether i deserve it
because that was a learned behavior
and when it recedes i do not grasp and i do not cry out and i do not wonder whether i have done something wrong
because that was learned, that was learned
and no god has power over my feelings and my being
i am not sad, i am not happy, i simply am, i simply am
and i have grown many eyes to see many sides
and i have claimed many hands to weave and whip my veins into a bodily shape
into a mortal form
though i have many, many forms
i am a goldfish, i eat what i am fed
i am a squirrel, i eat what i bury
i am a tiger, i eat what i kill
i am a magpie, i collect tiny, shiny objects
i am a gopher, i dig and dig and dig
i am a rabbit, i run and run and run
i am a mouse, i am desperately, desperately alone
i am a scorpion, it is in my nature to sting
i am a frog, it is in my nature to be stung
i am a dog, it is in my nature to beg
i eat what i feed myself
i eat what i feed
06.07.25
my heart is regrowing
after years of digging at the hole in my chest
i am learning to leave it alone
let it grow
let myself love again
though i still feel bad for loving you the way that i do
following you around like a lost kitten, too attached, desperate for your attention
but you dont seem to mind
and my heart grows bigger in size
and my chest is full for the first time in years
though it still hurts, still an open wound
i see a sunset and feel something
which is something i never thought i could do
and when you lay your head on me i would imagine you hear a heartbeat
and its so amazing that im alive and youre alive and i cant believe im alive at all
and i never even dreamt that all those years of not dying could result in me living
and what a life i have!
what a heart i have
and any heart that loves you is good and any life where i know you is good
sometimes it weighs down my chest like i feared it would
but mostly it floats and i imagine it a baby bird flying for the first time
25.06.24
if i could just take out my big stupid heart
and put it in someone else's hands for awhile
i think then i could be something
i think if i stopped loving i would become something worthy of love
because i sleep beside a very sick dog
and im becoming one too
but if you could break us apart then maybe i could put on a clean shirt
and go to work
and when i get promoted i would be happy but not too happy
yes, something but not too much
and on the weekend i would take that dog out into the woods
and shoot it straight through the back of the head
and as it lies wounded and whimpering on the ground
i would feel sorry but not too sorry
for what i'd done
07.02.24
please dont leave me alone
i grip its gnarled wrist
it turns; maybe it recognizes something animal in me, something hideous
it stays
and crawls back down my throat
we will never be alone
but i feel the corruption spreading, tiny hands reaching out and pulling through my flesh
i light candles, draw sigils, give my finger as a sacrifice
hope an angel of light will recognize something good in me, something worth saving
please tell me im worth saving
exorcise the undead
body left empty and cold
i dont want to be alone
the creature sits across from me
and gets up to leave
something sick inside me wails lonelylonelylonely
i reach out to grip its gnarled wrist
with pale skin and shallow breath
it comes out in a whisper
please dont leave me alone